You don't look nothing like your picture.
Grandma and Grandpa sent you a picture of a neighbor girl.
They didn't want you to...
break out and come kidnap me.
Thank God.
I was starting to think I killed the wrong man.
So, what did you come here for?
To tell me how much you hate me?
I don't hate you.
I need your help.
Now, how in the hell can I help you?
My best friend got pregnant.
Before you?
Yeah, I know. That's what I said, too.
Um, anyway...
we want to help her get some money for the baby...
by robbing a bank.
Well, shit fire, Kansas.
That's the sweetest thing I ever heard.
But we can't quite figure out how to...
you know, how to do it.
So you need my help?
Oh, my God.
This is like you asking me for help with your homework.
Hey, Mink.
Come here.
Kansas, I want you to meet someone special.
Jesus Christ, Mom.
Like my life ain't a great big pile of shit...
'cause you're in here.
Now I've gotta add "P.S. My mom's a dyke," too?
Shut up, you mouthy little shit.
Don't "mouthy shit" me. I'm out of here.
Hey, wait. Sit down.
Now, I'm sorry.
Mama's a little over amped...
didn't get her yard time this morning.
Mink ain't my bitch, if that's what you think.
She's a specialist...
in banks.
Theme’s some sweet skirts you got there.
Oh, thank you!
Actually, they're uniforms.
We're cheerleaders.
You sure are.
Excuse me.
All right, same time tomorrow...
we have a visit with our favorite aunts.
Listen, robbing banks is like pulling a trick.
You gotta stay in control...
know how far you'll go to get the dough...
and always put the rubber on yourself.
You know what I mean.
Hey, and you gotta do it the day after Christmas.
Why?
Banks don't have holiday pickups, so vaults are full.
Besides, everyone's at home eatin' left overs...
and beatin' their kids.
Really? You were cell mates with her?
Oh, my God. She was my hero!
Did she tell you what Letter man's house was like?
You gotta buy your Gats from the Terminator.
Tell him Itchy sent you.
And Gats are?
Guns, cutie.
You listen to Carol, pussycat.
Go rent "National Velvet".
It's got some awesome steeple chases in it.
I'm gonna write that down.
So, although their father said...
Don't get out of the car till I get back with help...
they knew the sheriff's voice when he yelled...
Run to my voice! And don't look back!
The twins did as he said...
but at the very last second...
they turned around and saw the escaped mental patient...
bouncing their father's head on top of the car.
They jumped!
That's just gas, sweetie.
What are you working on?
Just some girly stuff for the squad.
Well, whoever gets out alive...
have the authorities check in the crawl space.
Kansas, you should never judge a book by its cover.
I guess there's an exception to every rule.
Could I help you?
You're the Terminator?
Did you come in here to bust my balls?
Huh?
Well, I kill bugs for a living.
If God doesn't beat you to it.
No, wait, um...
We're the "A" squad from Lincoln High school.
So, uh...
so, we were told you could fix us up.
Fix you up.
Really.
Yeah, Itchy sent us.
She did, did she?
How is the old girl?
Definitely old.
Yeah, that's my Itchy.
How many?
Uh...
Um, well...
We'll each probably want one, so...
We'll take 5.
5 should do it.
All right.
And, uh, how much ammo do you want?
Ammo?
How many bullets do you need?
Oh, bullets.
No bullets.
Oh, my gosh. These are just to scare people.
Kind of like around-off back hand spring whip back double full.
You never really use it.
You just want the opposing squad to know you've got it.
OK.
- $1,500 cash. - What?
You piece of shit bug zapper!
Obviously that's a little more than our budget will allow.
Um, basically, we're looking for something around $200.
Oh, well, why didn't you say so?
For 200, I got some real nice rubber bands...
and some sharp nails in the back.
I think I got 5 of them. They come in pastel colors.
Why don't you wait right there...
and let me go gift-wrap it for you.
They are 1,500 cash on the barrel.
You take it or you leave it.
Well, what kind of deal would you make...
if I told you we were going to go tell the police...
that you're selling illegal guns?
To minors!
To girl minors!
Then I'd just have to kill you.
OK, well...
it was a pleasure meeting you.
Take care.
Let's go, you guys.
Hold it right there.
Oh, please.
We're not going to tell anyone.
Maybe we can make a deal.
Look, buddy...
we're not gonna trade sex for guns.
Unless Cleo...
Kansas!
I got a daughter.
And she's always dreamt of being a cheerleader.
Aw.
Tell you what I'll do.
If you put her on your squad...
and I mean put her on the squad...
don't make her haul around your pompoms...
you give her something to do...
then I'll give you the guns.
You're kidding.
Hey, Fern!
Fern, come here!
She's out back siphoning off the tanks.
It takes just a second to cap off that cyanide hose.
Honey!
Oh, there she is.
Here's my baby.
Fern, meet your new best friends.
We'll be right back.
Don't you take too long.
Let's do breathing exercises, shall we?
Is Jack upset that he can't be here?
We worked it out.
Doing good, sweetie.
Let's remember our focal point.
OK, don't stop now.
Come on, we're gonna make it, baby. Come on.
What a sad waste of man.
OK...
Even with all our savings...
it's still only 654.
That's it?
Hey, I even took my parents' foster kid money.
Philippe's going to be gathering rice...
without pants this month.
OK, wait a second. Hold on.
Now, what do we do before a big game?
Use the bathroom...
because the port-a-potties on the field are gross.
My fault.
What do we do that enables us to be as great as we are?
I personally think of how Conan...
started as a writer, and then...
We practice.
That's right. Practice makes perfect.
I'm practicing to have a baby right now.
If we do a practice job...
we'll not only get the experience...
but we'll also get the money we need for the guns.
I've got the perfect job...
and I've gotta pee, so help me up.
Hello. How many would you like?
Seven.
- Hi. - Hello. How many?
Two, please.
Oops!
Oh, please, help me with her!
What the hell kind of food are they serving us...
if they can turn a prof it on 200 bucks?
Uh, Fern?
Yeah?
No more filling the tanks before practice, OK?
OK.
So, you know, what are you?
Anorexic or bulimic?
Just skinny.
Don't make me hate you.
OK, let's get going.
My grandparents get back from dinner at 4:30.
Ready?
OK!
What the hell...
Oh, no!
He Ikea'd us.
How many signs do we need.
We're not supposed to do this.
Look, maybe Lucy is right.
Maybe this is a sign.
Kansas?
That you down there?
Yeah, Grandma. Me and the squad.
You girls talking about boys?
Practicing kissing your hand?
Yeah, you caught us.
Oh, well, then I'll put some cookies...
at the top of the stairs for you girls.
Thanks, that'd be great.
You got that big retarded girl...
down there with you?
Uh-huh, yeah, Grandma.
Then I'll throw a few more treats on the plate.
She doesn't mean that.
She kind of lost the old filter with the last stroke.
Where's my smokes?
Oh, I'll have them for you right before "Touched By An Angel".
Don't worry.
You damned well better.
Oh, this is great. What do we do?
Threaten people with a trunkful of parts?
I'm sorry, you guys.
When you're dealing with south American rebels...
you kind of gotta to take what you can get.
It's a trunkful of crap.
Excuse me, do you guys know what I don't see here?
What?
I don't see a problem.
I see a great big craft project...
sitting right in front of me.
So, Kansas, get me some glue...
some tape, and a nail file.
Meanwhile, the most important event of my life...
was about to take place.
Please join our "A" and "B" squad cheerleaders...
in a salute to winter sports!
The winter sports pep rally is only, like...
the biggest cheerleading event of the year.
I'd been practicing for months.
This was my big chance to show the whole school...
that I really belonged on the "A" squad.
I just want to say, that normally,
I'm an excellent skater.
Some jealous fag, who will remain nameless...
obviously sabotaged my skates.
I was completely humiliated...
In front of the entire student body.
Talk about adding insult to injury...
at the last minute, Diane finagled putting...
that backwater mutant monkey girl on top of the pyramid!
Yeah!
No way!
It ruined the entire finale.
Ask anybody!
Conan O'Brien...
Conan O'Brien. Conan O'Brien...
Come on, Cleo.
We're not gonna waste this week's question...
to the nether world on Conan.
Who made up the one-question-a-week rule anyway?
It's in the Bible, so just shut the hell up.
OK, OK. Here goes...
Is the day after Christmas...
the best day for the heist?
Yes!
Girls, numerology confirms it, too. Look!
So does "Soldier of Fortune".
A great day to go balls out on the offensive.
Then it's time for my mom's present.
Be careful. Have fun. Ski masks are so done.
Wear these masks to fight the power...
and never bend over in the shower.
Hey, Diane, you can be Mood-swing Betty.
Hannah, you're Virgin Betty...
with optional horse and saddle.
And Fern, you can be...
Oh, God, we forgot Fern.
Oh, it's OK.
My mom and the girls just got them for the heist.
It's nothing personal.
Hey, I got to cheer with you guys.
I'm happier than a Make-A-Wish kid at Disneyland.
Well, we'll all sign your yearbook.
Here, take mine.
Look, I didn't know how to tell you guys...
but I got my scholarship.
I can't go through with this.
But we went hands in on this.
You're breaking the National High school...
Cheerleading Association's pledge...
of allegiance and conformity.
I'll turn in my pompoms after Christmas.
You know, you guys are insane...
if you don't think those criminals would...
gladly turn you in for a pack of Lucky's.
Oh, yeah!
Well, unlike you, those criminals...
take an oath, and they stick with it.
You don't mess with another in mate...
and you never mess with her kid.
I'm sorry, Diane.
I could take Lucy's place.
You can be Terminator Betty.
Fight the power!
1, 2, 3!
Oh, God!
Oh, honey...
Next Christmas...
I'm putting a diamond in it.
I don't know what to say.
Well, say you love me.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Oh, God, here's mine.
It's so lame. It's not romantic or anything.
No, no, no, shh. I'm gonna love it.
Ah, a gift certificate!
For a new paintjob on the GTO.
Yeah, I was thinking that maybe you'd want...
to change the color after Christmas.
Wow...
Do you like it?
I sold the car to buy you that ring.
You're kidding?
No!
We don't have a car.
No.
Oh! Oh, sweetie.
Sweetie...
Kansas, listen to me.
Jack sold our getaway car.
It's some goddamn "Gift Of The Magi" thing.
Oops, Mommy's sorry, sweet peas.
Swearing is the surest way to...
Oh, shit!
Mommy needs a getaway car.
Jump in!
We can't stop!
The brakes are bad!
Come, Kansas, let's hurry!
Fern, you've got to slow down.
Oh, dear Lord... please don't let us run over Kansas.
Help!
Get in! Quick!
The brakes are broken.
Grab my hand, Kansas. Come on, Kansas!
Come on, give it a shot.
Oh, my God!
Anyone bring a next repair of panties?
Who are you?
The goddamn Bionic Woman?
I just pulled it, and it came off.
Great, this is great.
Now we have to enter through the front door.
Look, it's not my fault.
Hey! God, rule number 1:
You never take off the mask, you hear me?
No matter what happens, you never take off the mask.
I'm sorry, Kansas.
Oh! God, no.
Rule number 2: No names.
No goddamn names, you retard.
For Christ's sake, White Trash Betty.
I didn't realize the rules went into effect...
before we entered the supermarket.
Well, use your head, stalker Betty.
Bettys, stop it.
The best squad is one that hopes for the best...
and prepares for the worst. National High school...
Cheerleading Association letter head.
Now, let's give a hands in.
We're ready, we're prepared...
and this is going to be the best bank robbery ever...
because...
Cheerleaders kick...
It's me.
Lucy?
What the hell do you want?
I want to help. I'm a part of this squad.
Oh, no.
You have committed the ultimate sin.
You left your squad to be with a guy.
And that guy is the devil himself...
because only the devil would turn you against your sisters.
Let's go.
What's this?
Get on the ground now!
We got tape. Don't worry about it.
I said down!
OK, uh. Hello?
Yeah. Excuse me. Yeah, hi.
Umm, are you robbing the supermarket...
or the bank branch?
The bank.
OK, so...
do you want everybody down...
or just the people at the bank?
- All of you! - Bank branch!
- All of you!
Will you shut up. I'll handle this.
Bank branch only.
Everybody else, just go on about your business.
Shit, this ain't working.
Everybody down!
That's an illegal dismount.
Oh, my God.
An "A" squad pompom string.
Keep your eyes on the ground.
This is great.
How are we doing?
Quick. Big bills, big bills.
This here is bullshit!
That's what this is.
Shit!
I'm fine here. Go on.
I ain't going to let some piece of shit...
Betty doll tell me what to do.
No sire Bob.
Freeze or meet Jesus, asshole!
Don't never use the Lord's son's name in vain...
around these parts in the U.S. Of A.
What the heck?
Uh, I forgot to tell you.
Sometimes when the rebels take the gun off a corpse...
some live rounds get left in the clip.
Good to know.
Christ on a cracker.
All right, you guys, let's go.
I'm here live at the scene of today's...
highly unusual bank robbery...
speaking with an eyewitness.
Can you please tell us a little bit...
about what happened here today?
Yes. In fact, you're talking to the right person...
because I am walking evidence.
OK. One of them stepped right on my...
OK? Excuse me, can you get a shot of me here?
This is important, buddy.
Hello? Can you dust my... for prints? This is important.
I can't believe you're standing there, you idiot!
Wait, hold on, I forgot.
I have this. This is really important...
That's very nice. Thank you for your time.
Well, as you can see, this crime here today...
is affecting people very seriously.
If you haven't heard:
Today, 5 pregnant Betty dolls robbed the bank.
Can you believe this?
We're like celebrities.
Better enjoy it now.
Because tomorrow some little kid falls down a well...
and we're nothing but a distant memory.
Disguises incinerated.
Oh, bad news, Di.
There was one thing we just couldn't fit in the furnace.
Oh, my God.
Oh, you guys!
Thank you. Oh!
Can you believe we did it?
I mean...
We did it.
We really did it.
I guess no one could have predicted...
the shit storm that was about to hit.
I mean, the only thing people cared about, thought about...
or talked about was the robbery.
Judging by the way the robbers practically flew up...
to spray paint the security cameras...
I think it was an Asian gang.
Yeah. Because as a people...
they tend to be quite tiny and very acrobatic.
That's all it took.
Next thing you know...
Dim sum Charlie's being hauled in for questioning.
From there, the town just seemed to go apes hit.
That's her! That's her!
This thing spread faster than a canker sore...
on the girls swim team.
Someone in Lincoln would say something like...
They was dressed like a bunch of...
freakin' Betty dolls, for... sake.
They had these... little voices...
and only a bunch of... damn queers...
would shoot up a union cap.
All of the sudden...
it's on "Jerry Springer".
This thing was definitely huge.
And welcome to the show. Today, we're going to meet...
a growing number of transvestites...
who just don't like to dress up as women.
They like to dress up as pregnant women.
Eric Karros...
It was like the whole country had come down...
with Betty doll fever.
Left drive over the left field wall...
into a waiting pack of Bettys.
And then it finally happened...
the moment I had been waiting for.
The little dip shits in blue...
finally followed up on my evidence.
Hi. I'm Kurt Loder with an MTV News Brief.
Authorities now believe a group of teenage girls...
are responsible for the Betty doll bank robbery.
Stay tuned for my interview with Alanis Morissette...
on the negative influence of the Betty doll...
on young girls, right after this.
Hello?
It was Lucy. Lucy went to the cops.
Remember, Kansas.
Every time you point a finger...
you have three more pointing back at you.
She's been the weak tit on this mama cat...
since the beginning.
- That you? - Yeah. Hold on.
Just call me later.
I got to get some smokes for my grandma.
Don't use big bills.
For a pack of cigs? I'll use her food stamps.
Hello?
We're dead.
They showed this prison movie to my youth group on Sunday.
Hannah...
No, it wasn't like the prison we saw.
All of these women had to shave their heads...
because they got lice from the filthy lives they lived.
Oh, no. I'm going to be someone's bald bitch!
Oops. Hold on a second.
Hello?
Di? It's Luce.
Kansas just called and said she's going to freak me up.
Then I heard coughing and a thud and Kansas had to go.
I think her grandma had another heart attack.
Anyway, why does she want to freak me up?
She thinks you went to the police.
What? That's insane.
Why would I go to the police?
Relax. I've got to get that.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Hello?
My Sunday school teacher says that in prison...
women shove broom sticks up your...
Hold on.
Yeah?
Hello?
No. This is Diane. I think you have the wrong number.
Oops. That's me. Gotta go.
Wrong number? No!
Hello?
Di, I just called to say...
that Conan talked about us again last night.
Thanks, Cleo. See you tomorrow.
Morning, sunshine.
Remember, except for the morning sickness...
the blinding back pain...
and the embarrassingly unpredictable gas...
these are the best days of your life, so far.
Hey, hey, hey. Not so fast.
Following your dream isn't a crime.
Nobody suspects you.
Nobody even has a clue.
Hey, guys.
Someone not take a shower today?
Hey, Lisa, did you run into Carmen Electra last summer?
No.
Oh, because it looks like you got...
some of her tits on you.
This just came from...
the National High school Cheerleading Association.
You guys might want to look it over...
before you try any more cradle dismounts...
from double-based partner stunts...
that are over shoulder stand level without using 3 catchers.
Oh, or before you think about robbing another bank.
What did she say? How does she know?
Move it, people.
FBI. FBI. Freeze!
I'm sorry to bother you, ma'am, but is this gonna take long?
It's game night.
Face front.
Are you sure they can't see us?
One-way mirror, ma'am.
Picture in 3, 2, 1.
Excuse me, ma'am.
On "Law & Order," they get to make one phone call.
I need to call the fat her of my babies.
It's a fungus. Leave it alone.
There's nothing I can do about it. Hello?
Lisa, it's Diane. We need to talk.
And that's why I came forward.
I mean, even the kids on the short bus...
can see that all the evidence...
points to Diane and the "A" squad.
Oh, it sure does.
Your testimony will prove in valuable...
Unfortunately, it wasn't them.
They were all waiting in my suburban that day...
while I ran into the supermarket for some cash.
We were on our way to practice.
Well, better get going.
Nobody ever got ahead by sitting on their behind.
Hey! Over here!
Is that Lisa?
What's she doing here?
Come on.
They let you guys keep your mug shots?
I don't get it, Lisa.
Why did you tell the cops that we were with you?
Look, you guys, a failure to plan...
is a plan for failure.
We needed an alibi.
And I'm not going to be doing back handsprings anytime soon.
What's in it for her?
Well, the "A" squad is going to need a new captain soon.
You can't be serious!
Lisa really does know all the rules.
Look! If it wasn't for my alibi...
you'd all be doing college by correspondence.
Get away from me!
Diane!
God, roll down a window!
Sorry, it just slipped out.
OK!
Funny how things work out in the end.
Diane turned in her pompoms...
and I'm the new "A" squad captain.
After all, National High school Cheerleading Association...
rule number one: Always stand behind...
your fellow cheerleaders...
especially when they're 7 months pregnant,
locked in a holding tank, and looking at 15 to life.
Actually, I made that last little bit up...
but you know what I mean.